The Grace of Aging

By Maralene Strom

She sits at the counter watching the snow floating past the windows. A squirrel is hanging upside down while nibbling at the suet. Chick-a-dees flutter around the bird feeder taking their turns at the seed feast.

She’s watching the activity and then asks me, “What day is it today?” I ask her to read the piece of paper with dark, large letters saying, “Monday, February 2, 25 degrees, snowing.” She reads it aloud and then says, “How long has it been snowing?” I tell her since Saturday night and we have ten inches of snow.

This is the third year I stay with Gram while her daughter and son-in-law make their annual trip south to spend the month with another sibling and family. Each year I have witnessed increasing fragility in her body.

Her long term memory has not deteriorated that much beyond the first year. IT is her short term memory that slips away. She needs to be reminded of where she is when she says, “I don’t know which way is up.” We laugh together as I tease about deciding which way is up and she smiles and points up over her head. We both know she really means she feels a bit confused in her familiar surroundings.

We sit together at the counter to eat daily. She reads the notes reminding her of the day and the other stating her daughter is on vacation and when they’ll return. She reads several times, even aloud to seemingly reinforce a memory she can’t quite hang onto once she leaves the counter.

Often we chat about seemingly insignificant things. She asked Sunday what was on the TV. I, like millions of Americans had the Super Bowl on. She looks up and comments her late husband watched the Super Bowl. I share with her my perception of these grown men in tight pants; big shoulders and a helmet on their head fighting over a funny shaped ball and pushing each other down to get it. She smiles and says, “No manners. They should learn to share shouldn’t they.” We laugh and begin sharing silly statements concerning the game as we see it from our sense of humor. Her eyes brighten. We carry on like young women.

As the day passes, she sleeps more than she did a year ago. Sometimes she is only up long enough to eat, drink a cup of coffee, and eat a piece of her favorite chocolate. Then she returns to lie down. She is 90 and I believe she deserves her autonomy for the most part.

I also know that she will be brighter in late afternoon. I can encourage her with getting out her picture albums. This time I see the albums most significant for her are those that are farther in her past. Her memories are hidden there now as more recent memories have slipped away.

If there is one thing I’ve learned over the past three years is even though it would seem that she is too confused to have much to share, it is a very wrong assumption. It is I who finds great wisdom from this woman who appears fragile and confused. Asking her to remember today’s dates or what she ate last is of no significance really. That’s not what matters. I know that it’s just extraneous information for her to struggle with daily. It only causes more frustration and exacerbates her own sense she is losing her minds capacity.

Today she talked about her mortality. She said she wondered why she was still living so long. I said, “So you think you have lived long enough.” She responded, “I don’t think we should live so long if we aren’t useful anymore.” Her eyes were lowered and the tone so matter of fact.

I knew from previous chats she had a very close and loving relationship with her grandfather. She always described him with a long white beard. He had been a minister and also was the first owner of a car in the family. I said, “So when your grandfather got very old, you thought he wasn’t useful anymore then.” She straightened her napkin and looked at me directly, “I don’t think I ever thought that,” she said. I held her hands in mine and reminded her all the people that love her don’t think she’s useless either.

Then we shared a laugh together that perhaps she may be forgetful. However it was the honor of being a Senior Gramma. I gave her that designation, relative to myself being a Junior Gramma with much less experience in Gramma-ing!

Several times I’ve watched her eyes clouded in deep thought. She is a woman of deep faith. I’ve watched others with deep faith have this same look. I’ve become aware that this look always seems to signify that she is deeply within herself and appears to have certain contentment. She’s even said, “I’m ready to leave soon.”

My rabbi friend once told me that when the Creator breathed His own breath of life into man, He sat within man’s heart waiting for them to come to Him. I’ve come to believe that these times when she and others I’ve known are coming near the completion of their lives they are communing with the Creator in preparation for their transition.

To you and I they may be confused, fearful, and even frustrating because they aren’t the same, as we have known them. However, perhaps the peace they are finding is not so much from the exterior, but from that place deep in their hearts where the Creator sits affirming their life with each breath they take. I am convinced that her life is meant to teach the rest of us to honor aging. To observe her needs. To lovingly extend her the dignity of her years and give her the time she deserves to converse and tell her memories no matter how many times we’ve heard it repeated.

It is our opportunity to be present with our elders to catch a glimpse of their wisdom. We can listen to them as they remember experiences that made them the people we’ve loved and honored. It is also our opportunity to see the intimacy of their connection as they commune with the Creator.

Yes, she is teaching me the grace of aging. She is teaching me to honor her wisdom even within her diminished capacities of memory. She is teaching me that within her heart she is communing with the Creator and when it is time, she will make her transition into eternity with the joy of having lived a meaningful life right to the end.

(c)Maralene Strom 2006 All Rights Reserved

Maralene Strom is a speaker and author who teaches on topics dealing with grief and recorvery -- let her help you discover your life's meaning as you journey now and into your future. Visit AdventuresInLivingsite.com to receive her newsletter.