A Woman's Survival Guide

By Terry Coyier

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder ten years ago (after an initial diagnosis of major depressive disorder and a subsequent manic episode). It didn’t come as a shock; in fact, it came as a relief – finally an explanation to my strange behaviors, extreme mood swings and anger outbursts. Along with the diagnosis came a slew of new medications, therapy, and teaching my family how to deal with the “new” me; the me that soon found out everything she could on bipolar disorder and how to best deal with it. Today an abundance of information exists on bipolar disorder. When I was first diagnosed only a few books existed and I had no internet access, or so I thought. I have since found out that you can go to nearly any public library and have an instant connection to the web.

One of the first books that helped me handle my new found situation has since been changed, but a new version of it is still available and is very useful. It’s called How to Live Without Depression and Manic Depression, by Mary Ellen Copeland. It’s a workbook actually and is worth every cent (last I checked it ran about $20.00). I promise, I do not get paid to recommend this book, I do so because it is like no other book like it on the market today. It not only helped me identify some of the feelings I was experiencing by offering long check lists of emotions, it assisted in getting me into a routine (this can be vital when first diagnosed and when you find yourself in overwhelming situations), and aided my family and friends by allowing them to peak into my life. Overall it helped me understand my life as a person suffering from a mental illness – an invaluable insight. Okay, enough on the book.

From this point on I will address bipolar disorder specifically, but many of the things I’ve done to cope can be applied to many other illnesses. Women today face a multitude of issues that can be affected by bipolar disorder. A career, husbands or boyfriends, children, maintaining a home, illnesses, death and PMS are just a few major areas that can be involved. It is difficult enough to maintain the delicate balance that we call life when you don’t have a debilitating illness, but add bipolar disorder to the mix and potential disaster is around every corner.

First let me address the issue of family and friends. I have a tough rule, but it hasn’t let me down yet…if you cannot be supportive of me as I deal with my illness then I won’t have you in my life. This is hard for some people to grasp, but believe me; you don’t want people around you who are going to drag you down. You have enough on your plate just dealing with the illness. People who don’t wish to at least try to understand, people who will tell you your illness is in your head, and people who don’t wish to be supportive will all make your life 100 times harder in the long run. A mental illness needs to be treated like any other medical illness. If you had cancer, people wouldn’t try and tell you it’s all in your head – well the same applies here. The decision to cut out certain people from your life is the most difficult one you have to make, but you must look out for your own livelihood because no one else will. Of course, you have a duty to do everything in your power to help your family and friends understand your illness. Give them books, websites, even pamphlets from your doctor’s office to try and make them an ally because you want as many people on your side as possible. Give them some time to soak it all in, just as you need to give yourself time.

Navigating the career world can be tough even when you don’t have a mental illness, but add that illness in on top of that and you have a recipe for disaster. I have found that the biggest problem facing the workforce today is stress. How do you handle it when you have a mental illness as well? The first thing I did when I became too stressed was to go to my boss and explain the situation. This can be scary since not every boss is going to understand. But you have rights under laws that protect you from discrimination (check your local mental health organization to find out exactly what they are in your area). If you absolutely cannot go to your boss you have a couple of options. The most obvious one is: seek out a new job. The less obvious is to try different coping skills that can help you manage the stress. Many good books exist on the topic and some colleges even offer classes in stress management.

Another problematic area for many women is maintaining the family home. Unfortunately, even in today’s progressive times, keeping the house falls mainly on the shoulders of the woman. This, of course, is something that can be changed. Sit down with your family and explain that you’re not in this alone; you’re in it together. Everyone must pitch in and do their part. Come up with a list of chores that everyone can partake in. Agree upon who will do what around the house to help you. If you don’t ask for help, you’ll never get it. If they refuse to help, then resolve that a perfect home is something you might not achieve and realize that it’s okay. Not everyone has an immaculate house – sometimes it’s just not that important.

PMS. This is a sentence all in itself. A woman with a mental illness must realize that most woman deal with PMS. It’s usually just a bit more emotional for someone who suffers from a mood disorder like depression or bipolar. I suggest keeping a log of your cycle and your moods that go along with it. By keeping a log, you can identify when the onset of PMS should begin (if you have a regular cycle at least). Knowing this information will help not only you, but also those around you. You will realize that possibly your moodiness can be attributed to PMS and not an instability in yourself. Simply realizing this is a hormonal influence should help you cope better. If you have an extreme case of PMS, talk to your doctor about it – they can provide you with alternatives.

The last item I want to discuss is an illness or death of a loved one. Everyone is affected differently when it comes to a severe illness or death of a family member or close friend. The grieving process is a set of five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The stages don’t always flow in that exact order and often you will experience some of the stages several times before arriving at acceptance. Don’t beat yourself up for being angry or depressed over the situation. These are perfectly acceptable feelings to have when dealing with grief. Give yourself extra time to sort through your emotions. Seek comfort with whomever you find can offer you guidance. It may take a little longer, but eventually you will feel better. In extreme cases, if you feel you are not moving past the grief, I recommend seeking counseling.

To wrap this up I simply want to mention that a woman with any sort of mental illness needs all of the support and understanding she can find. She needs to know as much about her illness as possible, and needs to know what warning signs to look for so she can identify the onset of an episode of depression or mania. I wish the best for every woman out there suffering from any sort of mental illness. As my favorite psychiatrist used to say…be gentle with yourself.

Terry J. Coyier is a 37-year-old college student studying for an Associates of Applied Sciences degree. She is also a freelance writer who writes about bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. Terry was diagnosed with bipolar ten years ago. She lives with her son in the Dallas/Ft. Worth Metroplex. Terry is an author on http://www.Writing.Com/ which is a site for Writers and her personal portfolio can be viewed here.